What I have learnt listening to the deep and personal stories of people that have experienced birth trauma, is that trauma is not always what we imagine. That is because of one little aspect; safety. Feeling safe fundamentally changes how a birth is experienced.

Here are two fictional scenarios. The first one looks like a masacre…I won’t go into details because I don’t want anyone reading to be triggered, but it looks far from the calm planned birth. There was ongoing foetal monitoring, induction, pain relief, medical intervention, caesarean etc…

In scenario two, the baby came quickly, the midwives didn’t believe mum was in established labour because she seemed to be coping so well, but within half an hour of arriving, the baby shot out to the surprise of everyone except mum.

Which of these scenarios do you think is the most likely to leave a person with birth trauma? We might think it’s the first one. But in actual fact, the whole way through this birth, mum felt supported, well informed, was given choices, her questions were answered patiently when she expressed concerns. Staff were kind, they looked at her when they spoke, the midwife urged her on, telling her how well she and her baby were doing. This mum, while battle worn, felt like she had been held emotionally through the whole process. She may still go on to suffer from PND or grieve for the birth she wanted, but that isn’t the same as being left traumatised.

In the second scenario, the baby is born safe and well. But mum is not believed at the beginning, when she says her baby is coming.The midwife is dismissive when she attends the hospital, doubting active labour is happening. How temperamental the foetal heart monitor is, isn’t explained and so when the midwife leaves the room, the parents don’t understand that if mum's abdomen moves, the monitor can’t always pick up the baby's heartbeat. The parents assume that each time they don’t hear the heartbeat, the baby's heart has stopped! And no one is by their bed to reassure them, because the midwives don’t believe she is in established labour. Mum knows that her baby has descended and will come soon but again, they aren’t being listened to. When the partner finally manages to get the attention of a passing midwife, she hurries into the room and says ‘I’m just going to check how you are progressing’ and tries to do a vaginal examination without even looking mum in the eye or asking permission, mum wants to scream that baby is here, because she can feel it. On the next contraction baby is born. The speed that the baby is born is too fast. With the right support, breathing through the contractions may have slowed things down. But again, mum wasn’t listened to.

So what’s actually going on here?

We can go through or witness what seems the most brutal birth, but it is ultimately how we experience the event rather than what happens that indicates whether we will be left with birth trauma. Did we feel safe or as if our life was a risk?! It's that simple. A gentle eye and hand, a reassuring word, providing information and supporting choice is sometimes all that it takes to not break a mother in her most vulnerable and precious of time.

That birth trauma remains as a marker in her nervous system, on high alert, always scanning for danger, ready for action, not trusting even her nearest and dearest, because the trauma locked into the nervous system is there to keep us safe from it ever happening again.

If this sounds familiar to you and you want to know what you can do to start healing from birth trauma, you can read How To Start Healing From Trauma and you can follow me on Insta @melsspacecouncelling or if you feel counselling might be what you need, you can contact me through my website www.melsspace.com or email me at talk@melsspace.com